I've been struggling to know what to write about for my next post. I love writing but I haven't done it in such a long time that it seems bizarre. Have you ever had a hobby that you've loved so much for so long, but just haven't gotten around to it in a while? And then when you finally get around to it, you're not sure what to do or how to do it, and you've lost confidence in yourself that you can even be good at what you love?
That's where I'm at. But I guess in general my whole mindset has been there lately. There's a lot of stuff that I enjoy doing that I've just stopped doing. Life has gotten in the way. Work has gotten in the way. Organizing my new house has gotten in the way. I have gotten in the way.
I want to refocus my life. On Friday, I found myself complaining all day. When someone new came into the room, I launched into my spiel again. And this repeated, over and over and over, until by the end of the day, I'm sure the people who had stayed in the room that whole time had heard my complaints four or five times. And for me, that's not okay. And it took the drive home on Friday for me to realize that I'm probably not okay.
This isn't a cry for help or anything. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that. Part of me wants to just write something for the sake of writing something (which is cathartic in its own way, especially when you just write what you're thinking as you're thinking it), but the other part of me wants to encourage myself.
Katie, you're starting to worry me. Yadda yadda, maybe, maybe not. But here's the thing: I failed. I failed again. I worked pretty hard on something and tried my best and I still failed. I know I could have done better (I have in the past), but at the time, I did the best I could. And it wasn't good enough. So I failed.
And that's okay.
Failure used to be the worst thing ever. Hell, I still remember in 5th grade when I failed a science quiz and Chris got the highest score instead of me. Everyone laughed that I not only didn't get the highest score, but that I failed. Everyone was so used to me being the best that they wanted to mock me when I wasn't. And that was TRAUMATIZING as a kid. I decided to always strive to be the best and be super chill if I wasn't. And so even if I was really upset if I failed, I decided to play it cool. Because caring about failing was a weakness that people could exploit.
After that moment, I decided to not tell someone if I tried for something that I really cared about. That way, if I failed, the only person who would know was me. Looking back, I can see how scared I was (and still am) that people saw me as less than perfect. I don't know where or when or how it started, but failure scared me so much.
I think Hermione Granger and I share a very similar Boggart.
But yeah. On Friday, I failed for the second time. And I didn't know what to do. I was trying to be cool but I couldn't do it. I started complaining to everyone known to man, but ultimately, I knew it was my fault. And the worst part was, I had already failed once. Lots of other people had failed once, but I was the first person to fail twice. And everyone thought I was so good and so smart, and now they had concrete evidence that I was fallible. And human. And that was just terrible to me.
Friday getting home was a blur. I was upset, but I have been hiding failure for so long that I got used to hiding it from myself. I had a drink (in commiseration!) and then just watched more Doctor Who. I acted like everything was fine, even though there was no one there to see me.
Hours passed, and I somehow found myself saying affirmations in the shower. I never really believed in affirmations and meditation and that stuff, but as I was repeating nice things about myself to myself, I started weeping. Like disgusting weeping. And I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Because I was sad and upset with myself and I knew I had been hiding it. And I started singing hymns interspersed with those affirmations and I made a deal with myself. I would mourn on Friday, and then I would work better on Saturday.
And here I am.
I don't know if this sounds like a cry for help or a crazy diary entry, but it's more of the latter to be honest. I've never been good with failure, especially my own, but I am trying to be more positive. I've read so many Scripture verses and self-help blogs and watched Youtube videos and listened to things on Spotify and used encouragement apps, and it's kind of funny, but that conversation I had with myself last night really helped a lot.
Yes, I failed. But that doesn't make me a terrible person. It means I have things to work on. It gives me motivation to do better. It's not a character trait, it's not a defining characteristic of who I am, it doesn't make my value any less. If anything, it accents it. I am focusing more on what I can control- how hard I work, my attitude, what will happen in the future- than staying mired down in the past. These failures are only going to help me be better. And if I can use this new knowledge to help others be better, then I definitely am going to do that too.
I'm kind of laughing at myself, because this blog is called "Failing Through Adulthood" but I've always been scared to fail. I guess I was joking with the world that I was "failing" when, from an outside perspective, I'm actually doing pretty well. But the honest truth is, I am struggling. Just like everyone else. And I'm starting to be okay with that.
So yeah. My "sit down at the computer and write what you think" post turned into something I didn't think it would. But I guess that's life.
If you're struggling with failure and need someone to talk to, I'm here. I have LOADS of resources that I'm using myself, and they're helping. On Friday I failed something really important and that really upset me, but I'm good. Next week is going to be a bit of a struggle, but I'm going to soldier through. And I am going to be excellent. Failure woke me up, and I am going to be better. And if I fail again, that's okay.
I got this.
~Katie
---
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
"But in their distress they turned to the Lord, the God of Israel, and sought him, and he was found by them." 2 Chronicles 15:4
That's where I'm at. But I guess in general my whole mindset has been there lately. There's a lot of stuff that I enjoy doing that I've just stopped doing. Life has gotten in the way. Work has gotten in the way. Organizing my new house has gotten in the way. I have gotten in the way.
I want to refocus my life. On Friday, I found myself complaining all day. When someone new came into the room, I launched into my spiel again. And this repeated, over and over and over, until by the end of the day, I'm sure the people who had stayed in the room that whole time had heard my complaints four or five times. And for me, that's not okay. And it took the drive home on Friday for me to realize that I'm probably not okay.
This isn't a cry for help or anything. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that. Part of me wants to just write something for the sake of writing something (which is cathartic in its own way, especially when you just write what you're thinking as you're thinking it), but the other part of me wants to encourage myself.
Katie, you're starting to worry me. Yadda yadda, maybe, maybe not. But here's the thing: I failed. I failed again. I worked pretty hard on something and tried my best and I still failed. I know I could have done better (I have in the past), but at the time, I did the best I could. And it wasn't good enough. So I failed.
And that's okay.
Failure used to be the worst thing ever. Hell, I still remember in 5th grade when I failed a science quiz and Chris got the highest score instead of me. Everyone laughed that I not only didn't get the highest score, but that I failed. Everyone was so used to me being the best that they wanted to mock me when I wasn't. And that was TRAUMATIZING as a kid. I decided to always strive to be the best and be super chill if I wasn't. And so even if I was really upset if I failed, I decided to play it cool. Because caring about failing was a weakness that people could exploit.
After that moment, I decided to not tell someone if I tried for something that I really cared about. That way, if I failed, the only person who would know was me. Looking back, I can see how scared I was (and still am) that people saw me as less than perfect. I don't know where or when or how it started, but failure scared me so much.
I think Hermione Granger and I share a very similar Boggart.
Friday getting home was a blur. I was upset, but I have been hiding failure for so long that I got used to hiding it from myself. I had a drink (in commiseration!) and then just watched more Doctor Who. I acted like everything was fine, even though there was no one there to see me.
Hours passed, and I somehow found myself saying affirmations in the shower. I never really believed in affirmations and meditation and that stuff, but as I was repeating nice things about myself to myself, I started weeping. Like disgusting weeping. And I cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Because I was sad and upset with myself and I knew I had been hiding it. And I started singing hymns interspersed with those affirmations and I made a deal with myself. I would mourn on Friday, and then I would work better on Saturday.
And here I am.
I don't know if this sounds like a cry for help or a crazy diary entry, but it's more of the latter to be honest. I've never been good with failure, especially my own, but I am trying to be more positive. I've read so many Scripture verses and self-help blogs and watched Youtube videos and listened to things on Spotify and used encouragement apps, and it's kind of funny, but that conversation I had with myself last night really helped a lot.
Yes, I failed. But that doesn't make me a terrible person. It means I have things to work on. It gives me motivation to do better. It's not a character trait, it's not a defining characteristic of who I am, it doesn't make my value any less. If anything, it accents it. I am focusing more on what I can control- how hard I work, my attitude, what will happen in the future- than staying mired down in the past. These failures are only going to help me be better. And if I can use this new knowledge to help others be better, then I definitely am going to do that too.
I'm kind of laughing at myself, because this blog is called "Failing Through Adulthood" but I've always been scared to fail. I guess I was joking with the world that I was "failing" when, from an outside perspective, I'm actually doing pretty well. But the honest truth is, I am struggling. Just like everyone else. And I'm starting to be okay with that.
So yeah. My "sit down at the computer and write what you think" post turned into something I didn't think it would. But I guess that's life.
If you're struggling with failure and need someone to talk to, I'm here. I have LOADS of resources that I'm using myself, and they're helping. On Friday I failed something really important and that really upset me, but I'm good. Next week is going to be a bit of a struggle, but I'm going to soldier through. And I am going to be excellent. Failure woke me up, and I am going to be better. And if I fail again, that's okay.
I got this.
~Katie
---
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
"But in their distress they turned to the Lord, the God of Israel, and sought him, and he was found by them." 2 Chronicles 15:4
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