OkCupid? Okay, Stupid.

I thought I might as well start off my blog with a bang. So I'm launching everyone into the world of online dating!

Zoidberg is a fount of wisdom.

I've been doing online dating for... 4 years now? I haven't been doing it entirely seriously; I started an OkCupid profile while I lived in France and wanted to talk to people in the States, which turned into a social experiment, which turned into me meeting this awesome dude that I dated for a few months (once I was back on American soil, of course. I need to physically meet people before dating them).

When I lived outside NYC, I used OKC for casual dating. I'd meet a guy online, chat a bit, google him to make sure he wasn't a serial killer, and then meet for dinner or drinks. A few guys got second dates, but most didn't. (Side note: I'm AWESOME at first dates. More on that some other time).

First dates are awesome.

Now that I'm back in the South, I plan to use OKC the same way. There are a lot of benefits to online dating, especially when you're not from the area. But there are also a lot of drawbacks... mostly because people are terrible. I made a handy-dandy list of what I generally do and what I look for in order to make sure I get a decent date (even if they're not my soulmate).

How to Find a Decent Date

I Know and Say What I Want

This sounds stupid, but it's very important. If you only want to hookup, say so in your profile. If you only want a serious relationship, say so. If you need a funny guy or you want an open relationship or you need someone who's okay with you having kids, say so!

Don't hint. Be straight-forward!

Here's a lovely excerpt from my dating profile:

"I know what I want, and that's a guy who will laugh with me, try new foods and activities, and treat me with the respect I deserve. I'm a pretty awesome person, and I want someone to be awesome with me."

Now there's two things to NOT do in this category. Don't make a ridiculous long list of do's and don'ts; that's obnoxious and unobtainable. When I see a guy's profile that has 6 paragraphs on what makes the perfect girl, I roll my eyes so hard that I need to sit down. And then I quickly hit the back button on my browser. I'm not here to fit some crazy jello mold, but I do like to see what you find most important in a date.

MEN!

Secondly, if it's a sexual fetish, save it for FetLife or Reddit or wherever. If it's online dating like OkCupid or Plenty of Fish or Match.com, people are looking for less kinky things. Now, I know plenty of people who use OkCupid to find one-night-stands, but it's still disconcerting to see "I'm looking for someone to make me their foot slut." You can still definitely look for a "foot mistress" or whatever on OKC, but wait until you're a few messages in before bringing it up. 

Is it bad that my first thought was "I want those shoes"?

Which leads me to my next category...

No Pet Names (or Gross Sexual Messages) for Me

I am not a pet name person. I just don't like random strangers messaging me things like "Hey baby girl, hru?" First of all, baby girl is a squicky nickname for me. (Side note: Kink is something that turns you on. Squick is something that turns you off).

Secondly, I HATE when I get first messages along the lines of "wanna hook up tonight?" or "nice tits/ass/mouth!" or "I have 12 inch long penis!" I clearly state on my profile that I'm not into casual sex, so thanks for reading my profile. But more importantly, even my friends who are into casual sex aren't impressed with these messages. Everyone wants to be treated like a person, not a realistic blow-up doll.

Gross.

Note: If the internet comment would sound like catcalling if said on the street, it's unacceptable. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it's unacceptable. The block button is there for a reason.

Shirtless Photo? No Thanks.

As previously mentioned, I'm not a casual sex person. So when I check out a guy's profile, I automatically check three things: their photos, their "what I'm looking for" section, and their "unacceptable answers" section.

Normally, photos where you can't see someone's face is a big no. Generally, torso only shots either mean: a) I only want to hook up, b) I'm married and don't want my wife/her friends to see that I'm dating online, or c) a and b combined. Generally, torso-only pics aren't hiding physically unattractive people, but are hiding people that I don't want to be involved with any way.

Honestly, with these terrible photos, I can't tell.

The "what I'm looking for" section is awesome. You can automatically see what age range, what gender, and what category (casual sex, casual dating, long-term relationship etc) they're looking for. I'm looking for 21-34 year old single men in my area for casual dating. Last week, a 54 year old married man messaged me for casual sex; he wanted women ages 30 and up. (I know I'm cute, but dude... come on). I ignored his message.

OMG no. Please no.

Finally, my favorite section is my "unacceptable answers" section. I go to a guy's question section, pick the correct drop down section, and go to town. Generally, if there are super horrible red flags, they show up with a low match percentage. However, some gems slip by. "Do you use hard drugs often? Yes all the time!" is one that somehow doesn't affect my match percentage. Or another favorite- "Are there any circumstances where someone is obligated to have sex with you? YES!". 

Once I go through these sections, I pretty much know if there's someone worth going out with.

Get Googling.

This section is pretty self-explanatory. Before I meet with someone, I get their first and last name, and then google the crap out of them. I also use "Family Watchdog" to see if they're a sexual offender. Scary thought? Yes, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I have nothing to hide, so go ahead!

And now some notes for the men (and women) sending me messages!

Don't Insult My Interests

My best friend was telling someone that my least favorite thing is when people speak down to me like I'm an idiot. Condescension is an automatic NO to a date, even if it's something "subtle" like "You like Marvel movies? Pfft. I bet you haven't even read a comic book like a real fan." 

It seems like every time I make a statement of interest in a "nerd" or "guy" category, I need to write a ten page essay on the history of the subject, the depth of my interest, and why I deserve to be justified as a fan. It's exhausting and stupid. If I say I like Marvel movies, I like Marvel movies. That's it. If you want to discuss a particular comic book arc, rephrase the comment to something along the lines of "You liked The Winter Soldier? I love Bucky Barnes! Have you read the comic book arc with him and Natasha yet?" Now it sounds like you want to share my interest versus quizzing me on it.

Even this is a better message than the nonsense I receive.

I actually got a message earlier this week that said "I'm judging you for what you read. The Mortal Instruments? Seriously?" Duuuuuude, in what way do you think this is an appropriate way to message a potential date? Do you honestly think I want to go out with someone who is judging me because I like Young Adult novels? I state in my profile that I want to be a YA writer! How is this a good idea?

Don't Demean Other Women to Make Me Seem "Special"

If your compliment is something along the lines of "you're not like other women, and that's why I like you", then I am going to be grumpy. A lot of men don't realize that this is a bit of an offensive statement. I am a woman, and I am happy and proud to be one. I also am a huge supporter of ALL women, and to compliment me by demeaning other women drives me nuts.

You think I'm flattered by your compliment? I'm not.

Katie, you're overreacting. Those men are just saying you're special! I understand the premise of the statement. It's MEANT to be a compliment. But I can't take it as one. Let me rephrase my first statement. "Most women are stupid, but you aren't, and that's why I like you." This phrase sounds more biased. It obviously demeans women, and makes me "special" because I'm not incompetent like the rest of my gender. I don't want to put down other women to raise myself up, even in an innocuous way. I'm going to call out the misogynist BS all the time.

Oooh A Copy-Paste Message? How special.

If you're messaging me, mention something in my profile. Don't use a stupid copy-paste message that you found from a pick-up artist online. Don't even use something vaguely related like "I love your photos! You have beautiful eyes!" because everyone essentially will have a photo with eyes.

Honestly, there's no special caption for this gif. I just like it.

Also, please don't message me your life story. Send a simple but thoughtful message. Seriously, the "You liked The Winter Soldier? I love Bucky Barnes! Have you read the comic book arc with him and Natasha yet?" is a great first message. It's simple, short, and shows that you actually considered my profile.

(Aside: Don't mention that you were hurt by an ex and trying to get over it. That just screams baggage and it's rather unnecessary, ESPECIALLY for a first message).

That's All, Folks!

So, this post was surprisingly long and turned into a rant halfway through. However, that probably goes to show what this blog is going to turn into. Hopefully future posts will be more light-hearted, but who knows?

My puppy typed this entire post.

Y'all have a good one! Stay safe on the interwebs!